from may 2006

I wrote this in may of 06… This is amazing… in may 06 i realized what God was calling me to… it took 4 years to obey, so much disobedience crammed into the past 4 years… damn

I sit, which should be no surprise, cause how else would i be typing… wow i drift easy… i sit here with so much i want to say… but really i have nothing to say.
I sit sort of at a crossroads, I have something that i am pretty sure God is telling me to do, and then at the same time, it means more work and energy than i am usually willing to put forward.
So as is my usual response to this kind of thing, I sit trying to be distracted from my reality. and if i am honest with myself, my reality is pretty dang easy. I mean, fridge is full, gas tank is close to full, bank account has enough in it for me to get by, have some people that love me, and not to sound to pretentious but i even have some nice vintage bottles of wine cellaring, and even some fancy pants cheese in the fridge…. screw easy, Life is Great.
But yet it is funny how we always want to see it as less fantastic than it really is. I mean come on, I get to work at a place that i love, and I get to engage with people who challenge me to be better, and when i do see my close friends they kick my butt and demand that i be the better man that I have within.
Why do i not want to jump forward…
I will give you the crux of my problem, without really telling you anything (you never know who might read this…Za Germans perhaps). I have opened my eyes (spiritual) to a different way of thinking. Nothing super radical, but just that it has brewed in me for about 8 years… Someone i look up to, calls me a Postmodern, but i think that term is too overused. Others think i pay too much attention to some people called allan hirsch, brian mclaren,michael frost, and rick mckinley. But they just validated what i felt already. here is my question, that isn’t’ really my question, it is from someone who you would be shocked to know that if came from… What if we have missed it? What if we are so bent on being right, that we have missed the whole point of what the Gospel is? What if in our desire to “Win souls for Jesus” We have blown right past His point, and become the Pharisees that pissed Him off so much? We don’t show people how to live like him… we tell them all the things they need to stop doing… as if those actions are what is keeping them from meeting God. Birth is what is keeping them from meeting and knowing God… not that they smoke or drink or do whatever… actions are nothing but actions… Knowing God is something different. That i think is why Jesus says we must be born again… The process of birth is not a simple one… there is months of worry and joy and nervousness at what is taking place inside. there is frequent check ups to make sure things are good (not in bible times, but follow me) there is a time of pain, sheer blinding pain then there is the satisfaction of a new life. we too often put ourselves in the place of the doctor, and not the one who is being born. all during that time, we are being fed, nurtured, we grow… not many that i know of, are born at the time of conception and survive. we need that nurturing time, that feeding time, that Womb time… I am starting to think, that other followers of Christ, are to be that womb. that we are to nurture, and feed and help grow. that birth doesn’t take place without the womb. (I know this analogy could go on forever with talking about seed planters and the whole nine yards) but really how are people going to be nurtured if all we do is make them feel like crap.
After birth the people who nurtured me (mom) are the ones who had a big part in my being here… maybe this is another reason why the church is referred to in the feminine form. we are to be a nurturing environment that breeds (sorry puns are part of who i am) growth and development and in turn birth. we focus on poppin babies out and pride ourselves on the sheer number of them, and we miss the point… we need to nurture.
there is lots of that done before birth… we need to put ourselves in places where those who are to be reborn, are! we need to be so available to the people who have had the seed planted they see us as a place that is safe and warm and essential for life and growth… I guess this all boils down to the idea that we are to make disciples, Go and make disciples… Last thing Jesus tells us to do
as i look back at this… it is not really a new way of thinking at all. It is a very very old way of thinking. so i hope this wasn’t a waste of time for you reading… it was cathartic to get it out.
oh and I am going to do that thing i am called to do, but its gonna take a while, and i am going to need help… PRAY
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